...and i feel almost guilty that all the pain i carried in my life fo sooo many years, literally ended over night during a weeknight last week, but my mindset is finally in the correct frame of things, and i cant quite explain this confidence, happiness, contentment and positive--..ness... but i'm so glad it came when it did. to make me realize things, to see my former passive aggressive behavior , become aware of it, stop it and change it so i wont affect another person around me, to conquer ill feelings about myself, to grow confidence in myself and see how fucking amazing, beautiful and talented i am, to really arise with new eyes. and then, for fate to bring me this other thing, like the heavens really did open up and some form of hope fell through and this time i was completely and totally READY for it!

I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY. WTH!!! LOL!

______________________________________________
What's this? What's this?
There's color everywhere
What's this?
There's white things in the air
What's this?
I can't believe my eyes
I must be dreaming
Wake up, Jack, this isn't fair
What's this?

The monsters are all missing
And the nightmares can't be found
And in their place there seems to be
Good feeling all around

Instead of screams, I swear
I can hear music in the air
The smell of cakes and pies
Are absolutely everywhere

The sights, the sounds
They're eveywhere and all around
I've never felt so good before
This empty place inside of me is filling up
I simply cannot get enough

I want it, oh, I want it
Oh, I want it for my own
I've got to know
I've got to know
What is this place that I have found?
What is this?

took these last night.





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i want someone to hear this song and think of me and have it affect them to their very core.

[23:38] mechanicalwhisp: I like pussy and ice cream
[23:39] unscenetv: now if you can get a pussy flavoured ice cream, or a carmel flavoured pussy, then youd be set
[23:39] mechanicalwhisp: cock flavored lolly-pop
[23:39] unscenetv: lollipop flavoured cock
[23:39] unscenetv: i think they have that

thank you fate, yet again, for bringing me such a kick ass fun time.
nothing compared to that!
whats more my speed then being at a convention with a bunch of drunk horror fans rockin' out to live bands, randomly saying hi to each other and starting up conversations with just about anyone AND seeing all my favorite girls in one place and being ridicuously buzzed from all the free beer/shots i was being bought! i'm so fuckin' lucky.

thanks so much for all the fun i had, especially when i ran off and disappeared from everyone. ;x when staring across from the vending table, i seriously never thought i would ever end up debating the astrological signs of a nightmare before xmas character. keleighs prediction was accurately correct!

life is sooo fucking O-mazing!

omg i was sooo sick this morning. wth. ive become so used to not eating much, that when i ate a big bowl of pasta, i totally rejected it.
i wasnt feeling better till about 8.9 pm. my friend called and since i had already canceled my previous plans, which i totally need to make up for, i figured i might as well try to go out.

so now, i'm sitting at my friends apartment, with a little pudgy black cat named luna sitting next to me. the sounds of cartoons on the tv, while the rest of the apartment is sleeping early. im looking at pictures of MY cats. i love my whiskie, but i have to say that sammies purr is like a little bell or a short lullabye. its so fucking cute. i cant wait to go home tomorrow and hug them both.

sooo, i did it early. i met mr. graves. hes soooo nice. i go back tomorrow to get a video interview with him. i also set up some interviews for other artists at the table that i happen to start speaking with. i've become a little bit more brazen, reminiscent of when i used to have so much confidence, not afriad to talk to anyone. sometimes i wonder where ive wandered off to. i feel like the last year and half i havent been myself at all. like i lost a piece somewhere and just recently, i mean VERY recently, found it again.
tonight, i went up to someone and said "i dont normally do this, but i find you very cute and id like to give you my business card" WHO DOES THAT! he was tall and skinny, with glasses and short dirty blonde hair. i didnt like his shoes, but he was very well dressed in jeans and a blazer. i will probably never see him or hear from him, but just the action of doing so made me happy.

i walk with a sway and always a smile on my face. doe eyed but forceful.
with every step i take, i put all my ambitions, drive and motivation into it now. ive noticed now, that with every glance of my eyes, i grab the attention of the people around me. the vibes are very positive, and attractive.

speaking with michale graves about the good news for the west memphis three really put a smile on my face. life can take some very fuck up turns. im thankful for all i have. especially after hearing the turmoil these poor guys are in. imagine, solitary confinement for 14 years of your life for a the only crime you were actually guilty of is wearing BLACK. i heard damien asks for pictures of ROOMS, just to see what a decorated, lived in room, looks like.

i have no problems in my life. none.
its all good.

well i know im not gonna make the 5 lbs less mark by saturday, but i did go down 2 more pounds, which means im in a whole new category of numbers.

ruben said that chiller lets people take the big camcorders. but im not sure if i want to lug it around, especially if my little point and shoot comes in. its more web ready anyways. no editing in premiere.

keleigh has a feeling something 'important' is going to happen sometime on saturday. i wonder...

and thank you again fate, for bringing me one step even closer to the things i need right now.

MORE HERE:
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i love birthdays. i love to be able to spoil the people i love.
the only other time i get to spoil as much is during xmas. cant wait for that either!

paul celebrated his bday! sooo much fun.

i cannot WAIT to give robert his bday gift.
he better like it, that fucker.

well time to get changed for work. i spent the night out at my friends apartment. sooo tired.

i have to clean sometime in these next two days so its not a mess in case ruben actually comes in.

SOOOO, i saw lucy lu at the 23rd st barnes n noble in nyc today.

it HAD to have been her. we were all going through the aisles trying to keep up to see if it was. lol.

ive been in nyc every weekend for i think almost/over? a month now!!!

its amazing how i havent really spent any money getting in there either.
i used to drop so much cash when i took the journal square path.
but driving in or taking a different stop is proving to be more useful.
um, if i was still collecting toys, i would have totally gottten the jesus, moses, edgar allen poe, CAT LADY with 8 different cats, einstein and shakespear figures. LOL

came home to get dressed to go out again.

im whoring out some name brands tonight.. nine west combat boots, bebe black bondage pants and some sacs 5th ave jewlery. crazy. damn, i look so fucking good too. wow wow woo.

life is gooood. car is clean, apartment getting cleaned on monday by my paid servant, loosing weight... wow, just wow.
theres one thing im asking fate for and the rest i can handle on my own.

i had this HUGE discussion with robert the other day. he made me realize things i think i pushed aside or purposely overlooked about myself. itll be two years since weve been friends. and now keleigh and i are great friends. i appreciate them so much for their similarities as well as differences.

my friends have REALLY been there for me. i can talk to them whenever i need to and they offer real ojbective and subjective advice. ive known some of them for over a decade, others for about 2 or 3 years now. and even people i thought i would never speak to again, have peaced things up with and they are now in my life again. i am SO lucky to have consistant, long lasting friendships that are stronger than words or actions.

harder, stronger, faster, better...
so besides that one thing now, all i need is a great boyfriend who loves me to pieces and ill be set. all the stress in my life that was putting me down i've kinda just, like , defeated. its amazing.


i'm a nesting bird. i like to have the satisfaction of settling down. i'm not rushing it though, because i want to find THE perfect dude. i like having someone to put on a pedastal and treat like platnium and have him treat me the same. but im picky as well. time will tell. and this time the heavens really will open up and drop a wonderful, long lasting person in my lap. i KNOW for a fact i absolutely deserve that! cause i just cant wait to give ALL my love and devotion to someone who deserves it!

on a side note, id like to thank you fate for my parents and brothers. not everyone has family as loving and supportive as them and im also very very thankful that things are as great as they are with them.

ready to go!

weeeee!